Monday, March 14, 2011

In God I trust

I grew up in a "non church-attending family". We didn't give thanks before every family meal, we didn't attend church every Sunday, and we didn't say a prayer before bed each night. My parents did however, instill in us the faithfulness of God. The fear of Him was always there. My Dad used to say something that will always stick with me, "I don't think that God is going to punish me for spending the weekend at a rodeo or a soccer game with my kids, instead of going to church". I couldn't agree more. To be honest, I am thankful for the way we were brought up, regarding "religion". We were given just enough information, but it was never crammed down our throats. It was that whole, "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink" idea. They guided us in that direction, but gave us enough space to explore, and calculate a notion for ourselves. It allowed us the space to have those moments, that even the most devout still have (even if they don't admit to it), where we are unfaithful. Where we question. Where 2+2 does not equal 4, and we want to know why! I've heard, in more faithful groups, that we are taught to never ask why, and just to know that He has a plan. But certain things, sometimes, don't fit into the plan. You cant imagine, how...your best friend dying of cancer, could be part of the plan. Or your neighbor's son taking his own life before he even had time to live it, could be part of the plan. Or how a serviceman, doing nothing but good for his family and his entire country, dying a slow and painful death at the hand of an enemy, could be part of the plan. Right? We all have to wonder.

For a split second when I was in college, I went through one of those unfaithful, questionable phases. I was all "Darwinism all the way!". My brain was in mathematical, numerical mode. There had to be a black and white answer for everything or I wasn't going for it. Not-one-bit! I look back at that time, and I don't feel like God is unhappy with me for experiencing that. Because I came back around. As He knew I would. And I am glad that I went through that as well. It gave deeper meaning to the things that did make sense.

In recent, post-college, times...I have found more solace in the unanswered and undefined things. And here is where I digress (forewarning). Shortly before my husband and I got married, I got pregnant. And while it was the right time for us to get married, it was not the right time for us to have a baby. But we were ecstatic and ready to rise to the occasion. I waited probably too long to make my first OB appt, because I had no idea what I was doing, and for some reason thought that you were suppose to wait until the 3 month mark was in closer perspective. So I went in, when I thought I was 11 weeks along. 2 days before our wedding. It was a Thursday. I went alone, because again, I didn't know! When the doctor did an in-room ultrasound, he discovered that the baby had no heart beat. It wasn't wiggling and moving around the way an 11 weeker should be. But I didn't know what to look for. All I knew was that I saw a little baby on the monitor, and it was mine, and I was going to be a Mommy! I was still grinning from ear to ear when the Dr. so coldly said, "This fetus doesn't have a heartbeat". First of all, how dare you call my child a "fetus". Secondly.......nothing. I got nothing. Just tears. I didn't even know what to ask. Didn't know what to say. I just wanted him to leave so that I could go sit by myself and let the feelings come. Cry, weep, curse, do whatever I needed to do. And then recompose myself to find out what I needed to do next. And, tell my husband. I thought I had myself together when I called him, but when he answered the phone, I just cried so hard that I couldn't even talk. Can you imagine what he must have felt? He was scared to death and didn't know what was wrong. I finally choked it out, and then he had to process the way I just had. Anyway, the next morning I had a D & C. And 24 hours after that I married the man of my dreams.

We got through that, and I am sure I don't need to go into how that was another one of my "unfaithful" moments. And then 3 years and a couple of months later, I went to my first OB appt (with a different, less heartless doctor) with what I thought was my second child. I had another in-room ultrasound, and when this Dr. said "ummmmmm...." with a questionable look on her face, my heart DROPPED and I could feel the tears start to well up. And then she said "I think there are two". THAT, those mere 15 seconds, was the most gigantic emotional shift, I have EVER felt. And once I was able to process that...I realized, that it all made sense. That this was indeed, all part of God's plan. He knew the timing was all wrong for us to have a baby the first time, and the result was a miscarriage. And then, when we LEAST expected it, He gave us back what we had lost, and we were having twins. TWINS. To become siblings to our gorgeous firstborn son, Kyle. To complete our family.

I still see the world as one big teeter-toter. Where equilibrium and balance is key, and without those things, everything else would get all out of whack. So that is how I make it make sense. You have to take the good with the bad. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction (thank you Newton). I'm very scientifically driven. But I have found a balance. Where I can calculate events, I can question them, and I might understand the outcome, or I might not. But I allow my brain to still look at the idea of God through scientific, mathematical, and numerical eyes. I understand it that way. I can be a better Christian that way. So I am thankful for what I have gone through, all of the good and all of the bad. And I plan to raise my kids the way I was raised. We will guide them, and they will know the Lord. We will introduce them to Him, and then we will let them each develop their own relationship with Him. As for my relationship with God....we understand each other. Its not exactly conventional, but it works and is desirable :)

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